Women's Stories

Some first-hand stories from our service users:

Nina

Nina was a young girl born and raised in Somalia, due to the militant regime life was a struggle, both her parents died and Nina was left in the care of her elderly grandmother, generally fending for herself, Nina was befriended by a  man who brought her to the UK with the promise of a better life. On arrival she was locked in a cellar and forced to perform sexual favours for many men. A lapse of judgement on the mans part allowed Nina to escape and find help

Since coming to Leeds Womens Aid Nina has been granted Indefinite Leave she has completed level 1 & 2 in child care studies, she volunteers teaching English at her local church, has a placement in a children’s nursery, she starts Barnsley College in September and is now moving on into her own property.

Sabrina

My Name is Sabrina I am 24 years old; I was born in Pakistan and lived with my brother, sister mum and the rest of my extended family.

At the age of 18 years my family arranged for me to marry my Aunt’s son in England. This was a common practice due to cultural family pressures. I didn’t Know until I arrived to England I was to be his 3^rd Wife.

 
On arrival, I was to live with my husband and his extended family in Birmingham. It was all very daunting as I was in a new country and felt very lonely and isolated. 

After a few months of marriage, I became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful daughter, however, my husband and extended family wouldn’t accept the child as they wanted the child to be a ‘ boy’, as in my culture the boys  are seen as of more value, than girls, as they are  seen as ‘heirs’ of  the  family. I really had a hard time with my new family, not accepting my baby and this is when the abuse started.

I was not allowed to have any control of any monies, I was unable to leave the house on my own, I felt like a prisoner. My mother- in- law became so eager for me to become pregnant again, and so arranged an appointment for me to attend the ‘Fertility Clinic’ and they verified, I was healthy. Around 6 months later I became pregnant and again1 10 months later, and gave birth to 2 lovely boys. The extended family was satisfied, and only paid attention to my son’s and little attention to my daughter. This became more and more apparent, my daughter started to feel this segregation, and on one occasion my husband had stamped a cigarette on her hand, which had left a burn mark.

I was often called names, saying I was ugly not worthy, was made to do all the house work and have little contact with my children therefore there was little bonding and boundaries between us.

The last incident involved my husband pushing me down the stairs, pulling my hair, dragging me at the bottom of the stairs and kicking me across my arms and legs. My eldest child had witnessed this, and there was blood everywhere. I managed to escape from a house window with my 3 children and the police made a referral to social services to ensure my children were protected. The police took statements and took photos of me, I was very anxious as I was unsure with how the legal system works.   Social service then helped me to move to Leeds Women’s Aid Refuge.

 When I arrived, I was relieved to get out of the domestic violence, with my children.  I was very worried as I had no money, food, baby milk, or nappies. All my finances were controlled by my husband and the extended family. When I first met my key workers at Leeds Women’s Aid, I was pleasantly surprised that they were Asian and were able to communicate with me, as I spoke very little English. I was given a self contained unit, which was fully furnished and beautifully decorated, this was such a relief, I couldn’t believe how lovely the flat was, I thought   this could give me a chance to gain support and confidence to live independently in safety  away from the violence and abuse.

There was some uncertainty, with my immigration status, and I had no national insurance number, my Key workers applied for crisis loans for a number of weeks until my status was established. They also had made a claim for benefits I was entitled to. Due to my language barrier, they attended appointments with me to get my finances up and running and gave me plenty of other practical and emotional support. It was a priority to start gaining my independence back as I had never had any control of my money or the parenting of my children.

Whilst living in supported housing, with  3 children under 5 years of age, with challenging behaviour and feeling very unstable;  my key workers,  made referrals to external agencies, so I could receive parenting support and attend the local children’s centre. I gradually started to gain independence and confidence in giving love, care, attention and developing excellent parenting skills, the children’s behaviour started to improve greatly and we started to bond.

I was also supported by my key workers with housing and successfully obtained a private rented accommodation locally, and was able to start a fresh life with my children. I am very grateful for the support given to me by Leeds Women’s Aid, without this support I would not have been able to go forward in my life.

Service user feedback - group

Feedback from our service users – group sessions:

Quote from a thank you card sent to us by a group member who resettled out of Leeds wrote to say: “Without you guys I would have gone back and risked losing my son and probably would have lost my own life... With your help I was able to see what was happening and make safe choices. You have helped me take back my life and keep my son safe...  I hope no-one ever underestimates the impact of what your groups do and how, and the right point in a woman’s life, they can change everything.”

From questionnaires:

What is the best thing about the group? How has it helped you?

“Provides me with a reality check and helps me not to ‘gloss over’ what has happened. I’m not alone, that other people are or have had very similar experiences. To stay positive and focused”

“The service is of a high standard and they provide crèche facilities too.”

“First and foremost is the support I have received from the people who run the group & the women who go to the meetings. Talking to other people about the abuse has broken the isolation I have felt for so many years. The weekly meetings have made me realise I am not on my own.”

“You have somewhere safe to talk openly and know they will listen without judging what your choice is. The group helps you know it has not been your fault, as we feel when first attending. Helps you grow in yourself and start to begin feeling confident, helps you be aware of what signs to try and look for, to keep yourself safe.”

What would you change about the group? 

“Like the current format of having the shared experiences and then the listening, sharing time”

“Nothing at all!! I find that the meetings are helpful & informative. You are not judged, blamed or criticized - everyone has at some time been through a similar experience themselves.”

“Nothing I can think of”

What have you got from meeting other women who’ve had similar experiences that you couldn’t get from seeing a worker one-to-one?

“When I first started coming I was a nervous wreck and being able to listen to other women’s experiences I was then able to talk about my own experience and give each other support.”

“You get to realise that you are not on your own and other women have experienced what you have gone through too. Also it is ‘good to talk’ and discuss your problems with others with sympathy that understand because they have been through it.”

“Each member has a unique knowledge of how it feels to be abused and with their experience comes the right support and guidance we women need.”

Please could you say something about if/how the group has helped you in the following ways:

Knowing how to stay safe:

“They have shown me that I can protect myself with help from the police and solicitors.”

“[The group] has helped me by teaching me the signs and how to be strong in myself... my confidence has been really boosted with the help and support.”

“I was made aware how much danger I was in and then identified when trouble occurred.”

“I would like to say a BIG thank you... I would not be where I am with myself if not for this programme”

Understanding how patterns of abuse/control work:

“I now know how an abuser works thanks to ladies teaching me the signs and how an abuser thinks.”

“I have been educated re above and now have left this abusive relationship.”

“It can start from a small comment and from there can snowball into something more serious that you end up needing protection.”

Building confidence:

“My confidence has been really boosted with the help and support from the women and knowing I am not alone.”

“It builds confidence from getting support from other women and also from authority.”

“I thought I was a confident person but oh no! I am much more confident now though through education from the group.”

Having better mental health:

“I was very stressed and had a nervous breakdown when I first started coming but through the group with support I am a lot better.”

“I suffer with depression after 4yrs still on antidepressants but acknowledge I need healing and it’s ok to do that.”

“It stops you thinking that it’s only you that has the problem.”

Knowing your options / practical information / referrals to other support e.g. counselling, solicitor

“I have been told of different options about counselling, solicitors and also been given leaflets so I am aware thanks to the lovely ladies’ support.”

“I didn’t know how to get out until I attended the group. I now have my own home, career, AND MY OWN LIFE.”

Any other comments...

“Best thing I’ve done in a long time. I’m not alone and feel that even if I can’t trust other people around me with what I feel and my thoughts – I can trust the group with it.”

“KEEP THE GOOD WORK UP.”

“I made so many excuses for this man – I didn’t stand up and look at the truth. I was also let down by doctors, police, social services. There was support from each one at the group, and we’ve all been on a different journey. I felt accepted – they were not judgemental. I sincerely believe it’s saved my life – I had a mindset which has now gone – I can stand up now – the next 20 years are my years. I’ve been given freedom through the group.”